WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING!?! There are
times in life when we get so overwhelmed with the things that we are
told is so important and yet, is it? Why must I allow myself to
constantly be hit with a sudden bout of anxiety so acute that I feel like
the insides of my chest are trying to be ripped out periodically,
twice a year? Why must I be continuously be tormented for something as
simple as writing a couple paragraphs. Why? Is it because I am looking for a good job?
It could be, but Steve Jobs didn't need secondary education in order
to start his multi-billion dollar business. Why must I be tortured in
such a way. The pressure is killing me. It is completely distracting
my mind from its (I'd like to say) usual bout of inspiring organisation.
Why can't things go the way I want it to go? What can possibly make
me feel like the way we have always been told that we'd feel once we
reached university. I have been waiting four months just to
experience the sense of satisfaction, the clear headed, self
important feeling that everyone, from the media to our parents have
been telling us we would feel for YEARS.
I just don't get it. I have been
working so hard for the first 12 years of my academic life just to
get to this point. To get into a university that will take in,
culture me, and provide me the freedom and the responsibility that
would come with being on the road to becoming a successful adult.
What am I doing wrong? What has been going wrong all this time? How
can every single one of my hopes and dreams just die one after the
other? It's not like it's that big a deal in this day and age to have your
dreams die, but why must it? I don't want to experience
disappointment anymore. I don't want to feel so left out of life
anymore just because I'm trying to do something as simple as getting
a good job.
I want to look forward to a day when I
am happy, in a career that fulfills me and with a family and home and
friends that is warm and understanding. I don't understand why it so
hard for this simple wish to be fulfilled.
You know what, why is it that my parents can't help? Why? WHY? How is it that everyone around me
seems to know full well what it is that they want to do and is
steadily working towards it.? I wanted to do something too but I
think I remember that everything I wanted to be was steadily shot
down by everyone around me coupled with looks of disbelief, followed
by that stupid phrase that I wish I could exterminate form existence
“you can be anything you want to be”. Well if I was allowed to be
anything I wanted to be as well as supported when it was that I
wanted to be SOMETHING I think there would have been a major change
in the way I am now experiencing my first year at university.
In fact, I don't think it is just me.
Of all my high school friends and the people that I have met in the
four months that I have been here, only about 60% of them have
actually managed to continue throughout the entire first semester.
About 60% of that 60% have dropped out of one or more classes in
order to finish the semester, and about 90% of that 60% are thinking
seriously about either changing out of the program they are currently
taking or dropping out all together. Again I ask that blasted
question, why? WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY?
You may think that we were destined to
fail being slackers or something similar but you would be surprised
that you are wrong. We, everyone that I have mentioned, were all the
cream of the crop, the people voted to be most successful when
leaving high school, always on the honor roll, no mark less than an A
type of students. Teachers admired us for our amazing achievements
both in the classroom and out. We did everything from extra
curricular activities such as volleyball and the debate team to
steadily volunteering with the children at church and giving up at
least an hour of every week to help out at the food kitchens for the
homeless. We were the people who not only managed to surpass the
expected value of 40 hours to graduate but EACH AND EVERY SINGLE ONE
OF US graduated with over 500 hours to our name. We were so admired,
so successful, why has it come to such a state? Why? But more
importantly how can we get back to the way it used to be? How can we
return to the days when we had dreams, we had goals and we worked
towards them no matter how stressful or undesirable it was. How can I
get rid of this disillusionment and return to a life where we wanted
to be the best, where we wanted to have a future and to live a great
life? How can I return?
